Natasha Watson, MHS, M.Ed., ABD Professional Sex Coach.
Ask any couple that’s been together for a significant length
of time what their secret is and they will tell you,
COMMUNICATION. Communication is the key to relationship
success in general, but it becomes even more essential in
sexual relationships. To master sexual communication, one
must be able to:
• Be honest
• Read non-verbal cues
• Say what they like
• Be realistic
• Give and receive feedback
Honesty is the first step in effective sexual communication.
Oftentimes, we are too embarrassed to ask for what we want.
We fear rejection or worry what our partner might think
about us. And even more so, we fear hurting our partner’s
feelings. The fact is your partner is probably feeling all
the same things. There are a few ways to initiate sexual
communication with your partner. An ideal time to begin the
conversation is during lovemaking. Incorporating sexual
communication into sex play can make the experience more
intimate. Ask your partner questions that require them to
respond while in the act. For example:
• “Do you like when I touch your breasts?”
• “Would you like it if I put my tongue on your penis”
• “Do you like it when I kiss you here?”
• “Should I suck harder…softer?
Communicating in this way will enable you to figure out your
partner’s sexual needs, likes and dislikes. I would also
recommend that you reciprocate by verbalizing what you like
during the act. Say things like:
• “I love it when you bite my neck like that.”
• “Baby, can you suck a little harder…softer?”
• “It feels so good when you run your tongue across my
• “I love kissing you.”
This way, your partner learns what turns you on as well.
However, communicating with your partner outside of the
bedroom is just as important. During private moments such as
when the two of you relaxing at home or eating dinner, ask
your partner if there is anything they would like to try
sexually. Ask them if they enjoy certain sex acts that you
two engage in. Ask if they would like to experience more or
less of anything. Express answers to the same questions from
your perspective. Before you know it, a worthwhile dialogue
Non-Verbal cues are just as important as actually speaking.
Body language, moaning and groaning send strong messages to
your partner about what you enjoy. It is important not to
pretend to be enjoying something that you are not, just to
please your partner. If you writhe in pseudo-ecstasy every
time your partner squeezes your nipples (but secretly hate
it) your partner will continue to do this. If you fake an
orgasm each time your partner runs their tongue across you
clitoris (but you wish they wouldn’t do that) your partner
will think that move is their “ace in the hole” and continue
that behavior. After all, your non-verbal communication has
taught them that this pleases you.
Instead, try redirecting you partner using your body and
hands. If your partner is kissing you in a spot that you
don’t like gently redirect them using your hands as a guide.
When your partner does something you really like. Let it
show! Arch your back, give a moan, and say YES, YES, YES.
This positive feedback will reinforce to your partner that
you like what they are doing. They will feel happy that they
are pleasing you and you will feel satisfied that you are
When embarking on the new journey toward sexual
communication, be realistic. Do not expect that things will
be perfect from the start. Sexual communication is a
technique that must be learned and practiced. As your
comfort level grows, so too will your ability to sexually
Natasha has spent 15 years empowering people such as
yourself to transform their lives by focusing on a client’s
current state of sexuality. She moves her client’s towards
future successes through education, mental reframing,
intuitive guidance and behavioral training.